Odd Couples
by Bronwyn Hollingsworth
Summary: AU, no magic or aliens. Jack is a DS in the Cardiff police and gets a new partner, Sirius who is a DI moved from London. Ianto is a secretary at the school where Remus is the new headmaster. Jack and Ianto are flat mates but not a couple...yet. Sirius and Remus have a civil partnership. J/I, S/R


_So, just to let you know, this story is not complete and this is actually all I have so far. But I wanted to share it with you and see if you had any ideas of where to go next. But for now, even though I won't mark it as complete, consider it a one shot. I will post new chapters as I think of them—however long that takes. This is going to be something I do for fun when I get to it. I will be concentrating more on Unexpected Gifts and other stories I may come up with._

_This is an AU with no magic and no aliens and it takes place around…well…now._

_Warning: contains splashes of Gwen bashing and Tonks bashing (referred to as Dora)._

* * *

Ianto was just settling in front of the TV for late night news when Jack finally came home.

"Don't forget to wipe your feet" Ianto said, without looking up "your dinner's in the fridge, if you want it."

Jack grunted and Ianto heard him shuffle his feet on the mat. Ianto looked up at him, Jack threw his coat over a chair and tossed his briefcase in said same chair before heading into the kitchen.

Ianto sighed, got up, hung Jack's coat on the rack and set the briefcase outside Jack's bedroom door before joining him in the kitchen "Tough day? You look ragged."

Jack was standing in front of the open fridge "This plate on top here?"

"Yeah."

Jack took it out "What is this, Shepard's pie?"

"Cottage, actually."

"What's the difference?" he took the plastic wrap off and set the plate in the microwave.

"The meat. Try two minutes at first and if that doesn't heat it through, another minute or so should do it."

"Right" Jack pushed the buttons on the microwave and leaned against the counter "I hate not being able to carry a gun." Jack had been a detective in Chicago but when he got divorced he decided to try his luck here—his grandmother had been from Wales. He did not realize that British detectives do not carry weapons.

"You could always transfer to the Armed Response Team."

Jack sighed "Thought about it but I figured that would get boring waiting for something to happen. Had to make an arrest today, chased him up and down the streets, reached for my gun to intimidate only to find it wasn't there."

"Did you catch him?"

"Yeah, finally cornered him in an alley and tackled him before he was able to get over the fence. Nutjob asked me if I played rugby."

Ianto got a couple of beers from the fridge and handed one to Jack "What did you say?"

"I told him 'quarterback and captain of the high school football team, you dork'."

"You called him a dork?"

"I couldn't think."

"I didn't think quarterbacks did much tackling."

"It depends" Jack had taken his food out of the microwave and stuck his finger in "Still cold in the middle" he popped it back in and set the timer for sixty seconds "What did you do today?"

"Had to watch two brats till the headmistress was ready for them."

"You shouldn't call them brats."

"But they were. Snotty little twelve year olds who'd gotten into a fight over a pencil sharpener and they were girls."

Jack laughed.

When the microwave beeped Ianto said "Don't forget to rinse your plate and fork before you put them in the dishwasher" he went back to the living room.

…

As Jack ate his now too hot helping of Cottage Pie he thought about how Ianto often complained of his job but he seemed unwilling to change careers. The Welshman was too intelligent to be a secretary for a middle school principal or whatever it was called over here. Jack found it easier to refer to everything in the American vernacular.

After he put his plate and fork in the dishwasher he joined Ianto in the living room "Why do work around kids if you don't like them?"

Ianto sighed "Not that I don't like them, I don't quite understand them."

"You were a kid once."

"And I didn't understand them then either."

"Then it's a good thing you and Lisa didn't have any."

"Tell me about it. Oh look" he pointed at the TV "I think they're talking about your arrest."

"Change the channel, I was there."

Ianto flipped channels till he landed on Sky1 and a re-run of last week's An Idiot Abroad. "You never had kids" he said.

Jack shifted uncomfortably "Not my fault, well not intentionally" he sighed, Ianto was his best friend and he might as well be honest "low sperm count."

Ianto looked at him "I'm sorry. Is that why you got divorced?"

"Partly, yeah. It was cheaper than a specialist in the long run. Why do you like this show?"

"I enjoy watching Englishmen suffer."

"You don't like your boss, right?"

"Nope, can't stand the bitch. She wears too much pink. Why? Has she been arrested?" he said hopefully.

"No, I'm just wondering if you don't like her, why don't you find another job?"

Ianto sighed, "Someone's gotta be on the kids' side, even if I don't understand them. Dolores Umbridge is enemy to all children. It doesn't matter though, she's moving and she's being replaced, thank God."

"Do you know who you're getting?"

"Someone from London, that's all I know. What about you? Aren't you supposed to be getting a new partner?"

"Couple of days, also from London. His name's a color but it slipped my mind."

…

Meanwhile…

Sirius came up behind Remus and wrapped his arms around him "Stop unpacking and come to bed" he kissed his neck.

Remus moaned "You start work tomorrow?"

"Day after, got a bunch of paperwork before I meet my partner. I think they've given me some young DS, Harness or something like that. When do you start work?"

"I'm going in tomorrow, I offered to help Ms. Umbridge pack the office and see if I like the secretary. Hopefully, I will and I won't have to look for someone else."

"Umbridge? Not that bottle of expired ant-acid who was your boss when you taught history?"

"The very same" Remus turned to face him "God, I hate that woman."

"So then why are you helping her pack?"

"To get her out of there faster. Let's go to bed."

…

At fifty three, Remus Lupin still had a young face but his hair was completely grey and Sirius wouldn't let him dye it. According to Sirius Remus looked distinguished with his grey hair and Earth-tone tweeds and gold-rimmed glasses. Sirius's hair was still mostly black, with streaks of silver but he couldn't risk dying it or it would eventually look like he was wearing a dead skunk on his head.

Remus brushed his hair out of his face and exited his car. He made sure his clothes were straightened and he made his way up to the school.

A man at least in his late twenties, dressed rather smartly in a three-piece suit was waiting for him by the front doors. "Mr. Remus Lupin?" he asked.

Remus nodded and held out his hand "That's right. You sir?"

"Ianto Jones" he shook Remus's hand "I'll be your secretary should you decide to keep me."

Ianto had dark brown hair that bordered on black, grey-blue eyes and was no doubt Celtic. He was certainly nice to look at, not that Remus would ever touch of course. He did like to look however and he preferred male secretaries to female.

"Well it's looking good so far. I gather you're to show the way to the office?"

"Yes sir" he held open the door "right this way."

They were able to get Umbridge out of the office and the school in three hours.

"Thank you for your help, sir" Ianto said, handing him another cup of the most delicious coffee Remus had ever had "not many would help their predecessor pack up."

Remus shrugged "I'm anxious to get started. Tell me though, I heard in London that very few were up for this position…"

"Very few wanted it" Ianto nodded.

"Why's that? I understand this is a very good school."

"It is but there's talk that the position of Headmaster is cursed. I've been here five years and you're the fourth one I've worked for. Nobody's lasted long."

"I don't believe in curses."

"Neither do I; it's the children, they can be a bit…well, stressful. Well, the children and a couple of the teachers. I'm surprised Ms. Umbridge lasted as long as she did, to be honest. But I shouldn't be talking like that…"

Remus held up a hand "No, please I'd like you to be honest with me. Why would a couple of the teachers be stressful?"

"Oh" Ianto unnecessarily straightened out a stack of papers on his desk "they're a couple of pranksters, if they don't like the Headmaster, they drive him or her out."

"And who are these teachers? Never mind," Remus read the faculty list "perhaps I can guess. James Potter, physical education, Charles Weasley, biology and I imagine that Severus Snape, chemistry makes his distaste known as well."

Ianto sighed "Familiar with them, are you?"

"Charlie Weasley is James's daughter-in-law's brother and I went to school with James and Severus. I'm friends with James. Tell me how do he and Snape get along?"

Ianto laughed "They don't. They avoid each other at all costs."

Remus rolled his eyes "Of course" he looked at the clock "is it lunch time?"

"Yes sir."

"Could you ask Mr. Potter to come in here please? I haven't told him I accepted this job and I want to surprise him."

"Of course, sir."

…

"Why does the new headmaster want to see me?" Potter asked as Ianto walked him back to the office.

"I expect he'll want to meet everyone. Would you like some coffee sir?"

"I thought you'd never ask" they were by Ianto's desk now, just outside the headmaster's office "you make better coffee than my wife."

"Everyone makes better coffee than your wife, James" Lupin leaned his doorway, smirking.

Potter grinned "Remus, old bean! You got the job" he pulled Lupin into a brief hug "you didn't tell me. So you and Sirius moved down here, eh? I didn't think you'd ever…did Sirius transfer…"

Suddenly knowing Ianto shouldn't be listening to this, he excused himself to get Potter's coffee and a refill for Lupin. He knew from brief (and unasked for) conversations with Potter that he had a best friend named Sirius, but he hadn't said anything about Sirius living with another man. Remus Lupin didn't seem gay, he seemed…well, English, bookish English but you never could tell these days. But then maybe Potter had mentioned it, he had a tendency to prattle on and Ianto had long since learned to tune him out.

James Potter was an odd-ball to be nice. To be truthful, Ianto thought he was a stark-raving lunatic who was madly obsessed with sports and who celebrated April Fool's Day as if it were a national holiday. His salt and pepper hair was always messy as if he just got done playing a game of football—he used to play for Manchester United (which he takes great pride in) and his glasses made him look like he should be a mad scientist instead of a P.E. teacher.

Charlie Weasley who was often his partner in mayhem, wasn't as mad but he loved a good prank. Though apparently, he had nothing on his younger twin brothers who ran a joke emporium. He had flaming red hair that clashed horribly with every color except black and his classroom was littered with dragon figurines (which made no sense for a biology teacher). Ianto gave him a polite smile in the staff lounge.

Weasley smiled back "How's the new boss, Jones?"

"Adjusting well. I think you may know him, Remus Lupin."

"Oh yeah, he's a friend of James's."

"Lupin is the new Headmaster?" said a whispering voice that had just come into the lounge.

"Yes sir" Ianto nodded.

Ianto was the only one who got on well with Severus Snape. He got on with most everyone though because he always did what he was told. Snape appreciated that quality. Snape had oiled mostly grey hair that he kept tied back, his eyes were beady and Ianto was fairly certain he must have had jaundice at some point in his life and he smelled horribly of garlic. He was cruel to anyone who dared talk back to him and most of the students hated his guts. But he was good at his job and he always graded fairly and he was a nice enough guy if you were nice to him.

Snape opened the fridge and took out his lunch "Why did they hire that fairy?"

"He's not dressed like a fairy, sir" Ianto said "In fact he's dressed like Giles from Buffy the Vampire Slayer."

"Is there a specific way for fairies to dress?"

"Watch it, Snape" Potter and Lupin had entered the lounge. Potter took the coffee Ianto was holding out to him "Sirius is just itching for a reason to arrest you."

Lupin sighed "That will do, Mr. Potter" he took the other mug from Ianto "Thank you Ianto, I'd better stop soon though or I'll be up all night."

"That will do, Mr. Potter?" Potter repeated "are you channeling McGonagall?"

"Nonsense, she's still alive. How are you, Severus?" when he didn't receive an answer he smiled and said "same as ever, I see. That's good."

Ianto handed Snape a coffee.

Snape muttered "thank you" and swept from the room.

Lupin blinked "What did he just say?"

"Oh, Snape's nice to Ianto" Potter said "I'm pretty sure Ianto must put magic in his coffee or something. Everyone loves him for it."

"True story" Weasley said, helping himself to some coffee, the last of it. Ianto would have to put on another pot.

…

Sirius wasn't due to meet his new partner till the next day, technically but he couldn't resist having a look at him while he was taking a break from signing a bunch of forms that he could swear he already signed in London.

He had a gap-toothed policewoman point out Harkness.

"Why don't you go introduce yourself?" she asked.

Sirius shook his head "I'll meet him tomorrow. I want to observe him first." He looked at her name tag "now, would you please go do whatever it is you're supposed to be doing, Sergeant Cooper?"

"Sure, DI Black."

Sirius decided he didn't like her. She reminded him of his second cousin Dora who had once dared try to steal Remus from him. It didn't work of course but it still irked him. He turned his attention back to Harkness who was sitting at his desk, reading something on his computer.

Eye candy, Sirius thought. Detective Sergeant Jack Harkness was a handsome man, he looked like a '40s film star. He was apparently in his early thirties and originally from Chicago, where he was on the force before getting a divorce. The poor chum must be missing his gun—Yankee cops were cowboys.

Harkness had an amazing record, both here and the back in the States. He had a case closure rate of almost 90% and he had yet to be a senior partner. But from what Sirius had heard, all his senior partners had been idiots. Well, Sirius was no idiot, his closure rate was 99.8% so he and Harkness should work well together. Why though, hadn't Harkness been promoted yet? He had asked the Lieutenant. Apparently, the "Yank has a real problem with authority". Oh yes, they should get along just fine.

Sirius went back to the paperwork.

…

The next day…

Sirius Black was not a name, it was a paint color. It was the color Goth kids painted their bedroom walls without their parents' permission. That was what Jack thought when he heard the name of his new partner, Detective Inspector Sirius Black, transferred from London.

Just when Jack was starting to wonder when said new partner would arrive at their joint desks, a rather dashing older gentleman approached him and dashing gentleman was the only way to describe him—though Jack suspected he had looked more like a hot hoodlum in his youth. He was in his early 50s, had thick black hair with just the right amount of grey and silvery grey eyes.

"I hope you're not too comfortable, Harkness" his accent made him as a Londoner, a wealthy Londoner "We've got a case."

Jack got to his feet "DI Black, I presume?"

"Right you are, DS Harkness. Come on then, murder outside the Millennium Stadium, you can drive since I'm new here." At least he was honest, unlike some English inspectors who liked to act like they knew everything.

"So, you're American" Black said when they were in the car.

"So, you're English" Jack countered.

Black chuckled "Dead give-away, aren't I? What brought you to Wales?"

Jack shrugged, he was used to the question and had no problem answering it "Needed a change and my grandmother was Welsh. What about you?"

"My partner got a Headmaster's job down here so I transferred."

Jack would have stared at him in shock if he wasn't paying attention to the road "Your partner?"

"I'm gay and I'm not afraid to admit it. Do you have a problem with that?"

"No sir" and suddenly Jack respected the man. It took balls to be openly gay in any police force. It certainly wasn't wise if you were classified as Chicago Irish—not that Jack was gay, bisexual certainly if that one summer he and Ianto never talked about was anything to go by. Maybe they should talk about it one of these days.

They arrived at Millennium Stadium and got to work.

An hour later, while Jack still respected him, he decided that Sirius Black was a stark-raving lunatic. He acted like the illegitimate love child of Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Who and he seemed to have a habit of not thinking before speaking.

He told off Cooper when she was paying more attention to the Detectives than crowd control like she was supposed to. He said "Do your fucking job, woman before I put you on report."

He joined Jack in looking over the body, that of a young man and whispered "Sometimes I can't stand lady cops."

Jack snorted "Me neither. Especially that one. Likes playing detective, she does and sometimes shows up at crime scenes she wasn't invited to."

"Oh God, she's one of THOSE? They're the worst, always trying to prove themselves" he made a gagging sound.

"For a gay man you seem awfully sexist."

"I come from old family money, I can't help it. Blame my mother. Freud would have a field day with me."

…

"By the way" Black said later as they left the scene "call me Sirius."

Jack gave him a smile "Then call me Jack."

…

* * *

_So, it's all set up for whatever happens next. I know we want Jack and Ianto to get together but other than that…maybe Sirius will play matchmaker._

_Do British schools have PE? I think I read somewhere they do. Well, this is an AU anyway…_

_Please review if you like the story so far._

_-Bronwyn_


End file.
